Depression creeps, depression spreads... entwining itself through the tendrils of your mind.
A lot of people don’t understand depression or anxiety and for such a prominent disease; 1 in 3 people suffer from anxiety in their lifetime and 1 in 4 suffer from depression, its shocking its not talked about enough. Its almost still a taboo. So we’ll just jump right in.
L has been suffering from PTSD and Major Depression for nearly 8 years now. Some of our readers may know this, others may have no idea. But L thought it was time to come out and share her story.
The precipitating factor in L’s emotional issues began in February 2008, when her ex-boyfriend attacked, and ran her over with his car. L was lucky, coming out of it with a broken pelvis and some broken ribs and toes. It could have been much worse. She doesn’t remember the accident, she only remembers waking up in an alien machine in hospital. From the moment she awoke, L was in denial. When she was told she was hit by a car, L adamantly denied it, it wasn’t until she tried to move that reality sunk in.
Denial was her saviour, her go to defence mechanism. For the longest time she didn’t believe it. Despite the recovery and pain, she was in a haze, it felt like a dream.
Toxic relationships only fuelled her depression and anxiety. living with someone 24/7 and not working fuled feelings of worthlessness and loss of self esteem. She stopped seeing friends, she stopped going out. The TV and computer were her new best friends.
She spent night after night not sleeping, smoking endless cigarettes and blocking all the house doors with wardrobes. She spent manic episodes rearranging her house at 4am. She spent hours in the bath crying and even more asleep. Sleep, the only place she could forget, escape.
When she did go out, to events/the fashion festival etc, she created a brilliant mask. One no one could see though, one no one ever knew she was wearing. But it grew thin. Her energy, her motivation, her want, all dying.
Her breakdowns were nightmares, things she could never forget. L would cry and scream and smash her head into walls, her frustration simmered and boiled. Her brain wouldn’t work. it was mush.
After a particularly bad breakdown L’s mother took her to the doctors and the anti depressants and anti anxiety medication was started, endless cocktails were tired, alas to no avail. L started seeing a Phycologist and a Psychiatrist, she started programs and more cocktails were tried. For the longest time it seemed hopeless.
A couple of months ago L changed her Psychiatrist and it's like something clicked. Things are looking brighter, everything with a tinge of promise.
She started a CBT program and will be done on friday, this program has taught L so much, has helped her see things clearer.
Still she has a long way to go, and she won’t delude herself into thinking that things will change overnight, she will accept if she slips back, but for now its only steps forward...